So you found your way into my realm... welcome, welcome guest from far away ... let me introduce myself to you before we go on... my name is Theo and I was born 21 years ago on a sunny May day in Cambridge Shire in England but alas my fate had other plans for me so soon after my birth I moved with my grandparents to Greece in one of the most beautiful islands that god ever created on this world, Corfu an island which was blessed to be everlasting green and sunny. Though I think I went too far into my past it's always nice to know, don't you think so?

                 So after moving with my grandparents to Corfu because my parents wanted to finish with their studies first and secondly while it was difficult for my mother to take care of me  while she was working. As it was raised by my grandparents in Corfu and sometimes I can recall some really happy but vague memories of my life then. Corfu one of the fewest islands which I have fallen in love with, perhaps it has to do with the fact that I was raised there or with the fact that the first time I fell in love it was there ...you may think what you want but if you haven't been there you can not understand why I'm praising this island so much, running along the beaches and then dive into the sea or walk through the small forests in the hills and visit some of the relics of the past. But enough of that you 're going to hear even more before this page has reached it's end. During my primary school years not much happened about that time my parents came back from England and we were a family again. I can still recall the day I saw my mother coming up the stairs holding what else than a FOZY bear puppet from the Muppets in her hand ... soon to be followed by Kermit the Frog and Gonzo. That is my first and more precious memory of my mother and although more than 17 years have passed since that day I will never forget it! One of the things I still remember from my primary school time is that I didn't have many friends as I was 'a little devil that  never rests' as many of my teachers said. Good kid , has a brain but he isn't using for the right things was the other...the six years flew by and before I even realized it I was in Middle school or Gymnasium as they call it in Greece, during that time I became aware of the fact that I liked boys more than girls ... a fact that changed the course of my life forever.

                Sometimes I really can't believe some of the things I did during that time ...I was a really messed up teenager trying to discover the secrets of life and most important the secret of sex. Sometimes I think that I haven't changed a bit since as I'm still crazy about sex and other things which have a meaning....like love and hope and bliss...hmmm perhaps I should follow that thought. I never had a good time during those years lying became a habit as I tried to protect myself from the world and from other boys of my age who saw that I was a bit different than them. First pain of my life during that time my voice ... help my god but I sounded like the queen of all drag queens but even worst I'm an actor and when other people expect from me to be something which I'm not, I'm going to play the role to it's bitter end ...I could have spared myself many pains and sorrows during that time if I would let the comments that other people did unanswered but I never gave up even today it's pretty hard for me to give up, I will do anything but not give up even if it's the smartest solution to my problems... you see some people never learn and I'm  not ashamed to admit that I'm one of them in that particular part. 

            Lying and hiding became my second nature during that time but I lost control and soon I was lying to everyone not only to hide the fact that I was gay but also to pull their attention towards me, to show that I exist that's why I invented stories or gossip neglecting the fact that other people would get hurt as I was hurt from others. Young and foolish I was that time as most of us are ... at least I believe that most of us are. I'm not a courageous person I'll often hide my true feelings and thoughts from others even from people as close as my family. There's always this fear in me I don't know what exactly it is and sometimes I believe that I don't really want to find out ... it scares the hell out of me, more than I'm here prepared to admit. But enough with that back to main story ... and yes now it time my gals ... we going to talk about boys, boys and yes you know what I'm going to say .... boys!

                When I look back now ... I can say that the first person I fell really in love with was Dean, he was a neighbor of mine, living about 400 m away from our house that's about 5 minutes walk. He was the first person which I had a regular sexual activity a whole summer long and it lasted as long as he stayed there. I was 14 then and sex was really the only thing in my mind ... well let me tell you how I discovered I was in love with him. I was with Katie a common friend of us both out in the movies and as it came she talked about Dean's escapades when he was younger ....he was one year older than me ... so as we were talking during the film we were seeing Universal Soldier I never did like that film so much... she told me that Dean was gay... I know that I was gay or better I was thinking that I was gay ... but I never thought that Dean was gay because in my own mind I never wanted to accept that fact about him. Foolish me I now know that at that time I sought a person to be strong for me, a man to protect me and I could never in visualize that man as a homosexual. I was pretty upset and before I even saw the film's end I said to Katie that I forgot something and had  to go. When I reached the bus station I then realized that I had to wait for an hour. At that time I was mad at him for lying to me but I was in reality mad with myself. I don't know how that hour went by ... I went into the bus and I was crying the whole way to his place. When I got there I knocked on his window his mother, I adored that woman she was always good to me and I'm happy now that her life has taken a better turn, she hadn't had it always easy she had to struggle more than the others to come through life, wasn't there so as I went into the living room I just asked him why had he lied to me. He laughed at my face and told that I was paranoid, he wasn't gay and after a scene that I still remember I left. As I went home my mother saw me and asked me what was wrong with me I lied to her and told her I had a fight  with Dean ... till today she never has found out the real reasons about me breaking in tears in front of her. A few minutes later I went to bed and cried myself out. Since then it was never again the same with him. We had sex but I knew that a part inside me had died forever.

            After Dean I was contempt with myself... I didn't want to do anything with other guys I still had sex with him but those encounters became as time went by more scarce. For one year I was looking around but nothing much happened I had eyes for other guys but I hid it well, tried not to give myself away and I lied when I did. Then I met Nick he was great, intelligent and witty, we had almost the same thought wave and that pulled me towards him. I can't remember how it happened, isn't it strange but I although I can remember some of our endeavors together I can't really remember how it started. I think that he fell in love with me but since Dean a part of me had the Out Of Order sign and I never really fell for the guy. I did loved them but mostly as a friend and he did too. Wherever you are Nick from Corfu, sorry for the last night of my holidays two years ago, I wish you are well and hope to see you when I next come there. I miss you humor mate more than you'll ever know!

            Then I met Stavros.... he was nice and shy. I didn't know that he was gay, I just felt it from the first moment I saw him seeing me. Isn't life weird sometimes ... it took me three months to get the courage to go and talk to him and if it wasn't for George a really good friend of mine I would have never talked to him. Poor George I almost drove him insane after I found out that he knew the guy ... I made him come with me everyday after school to Hambo's, a fast food shop, and wait with me in case he showed up. Thank god for him and for me as I was loosing my mind, one April day after school we went there and he was there... I almost squeezed George to death when I saw and screamed in his ear his there. I couldn't control  myself so George sent me to order two frapes, that's Nescafe mixed with sugar and cold water shaken under the blender, it tastes great, and he went to him on the balcony above. The whole time I tried not to look ... it's pointless to say that I didn't manage to do that. When the frapes were done I went to join them, I almost dropped the tray twice so nervous was I at that moment. When I sat there he gave me a smile and for the first time I noticed his even with teeth ... god I had fallen in love  with a stranger and I couldn't control myself anymore. After George introduce us to each other we couldn't stop talking if he didn't have to catch a bus then we would have sat there for ages. After he left George turned to me and said with a grinn on his face "....and Theodore" I hate it when people call me Theodore " are you happy now..." before he could even finish his sentence I did something that shocked us both, I just leaned and kissed him right and there. I would give everything that I have to be able to see again his face expression at that moment. It's needles to say that after that he was really careful with his comments... Georgie boy gotcha there didn't I !!!! 

            We stayed together for three months, as I found out later he had an eye for me the whole time...damn it we could have saved both of us four months of agony. Life is really funny sometimes, I loved him and cared for him much and I was in love again but his family as well the social conditions in Corfu aren't so open to homosexuality... although I bet that 70% of all men there had one sexual encounter with a man in their lives if not more ... how do I know that I added some men to that number. He couldn't accept himself neither commit himself to another guy, he was too afraid that someone would find out about him ... so shortly before my SAT's he broke up with. He called me two months ago and I almost got a shock when I heard his voice. I know now how lucky I am that I had the chance to move to Germany. He has changed, the nice shy guy I knew is dead and whenever I think of him as he was when I met him and how he is now after life had a good laugh with him I ache and curse the god who would let such a thing happen, it's one of the reasons that I am an atheist. I can't believe in something that let's so much pain occur. 

                Summer of '96, my last summer in Corfu and Greece as at the beginning of August I moved with my father to Germany. It was one of the hardest times in my life, I didn't have any friends here neither did I have the language. In the first month we lived in Leimen but afterwards we had to move to Kempten as it was better for my fathers job. If I thought Leimen was bad Kempten was even worse. I spent about two months sulking around as no one wanted to be my friend nor do anything with me. Then school started and there I finally met some people as my best friend Phillip. My social life went from the top down to nothing at all and my love life... didn't exist anymore. It's was a difficult time for me and my father as I was a spoiled brat that wanted everything done for him... but I learned and I'm proud of myself now. Well I still hate to iron shirts... and if any of you does ironing then you probably know why.

                 My coming out wasn't something that I indented to do at that time of my life and I can still remember it as if it had happened yesterday. After my first in Kempten, Germany, I returned for the summer in Greece. It was a happy reunion for me as I met my family and friends again and we had quite a lot to talk about, you can never imagine how much gossip gathers up in a year's time. So after the first few days I decided to go at Eros, that's the gay bar in Corfu, and have a look around I was starving and I bet you know for what, as I did nothing a whole year... so I went there a Saturday night and it was also a full moon and that meant PARTY TIME! There quite a lot of people there but most of them where nothing special except one guy. After making a mistake and I talk to his best friend who I thought in the semi darkness was an old friend of mine we started talking and flirting. His name was Spiros and came from Athens, later he told me that his parents didn't know anything about him and would through out of their house if they ever found out ... I said it was cool with me and that my family didn't know either. During that time only some really good friends knew about me. We spent a great month together but all things have to end and his holidays on Corfu ended also. He had fallen in love with me and I was on my way to fall in love with him, although I knew deep inside me that we would probably never see each other again. I told him so and we both agreed not to loose contact so after I gave him my address and telephone number in Germany, we said our goodbyes...I hate saying goodbye by the way it kills a piece of me inside when I say that word. After I was back in Germany he called two or three times and wrote me letter but then one day he calls me and says to me that I try to blackmail him with our photos and stuff. That was the most ridiculous accusation that anybody has ever done to me ... and if I didn't those photos to him he would say all about me to my father. Two days later I said to him that I sent the photos to prove to him that I had none of him... after that I heard nothing from him. As I came from school the next day driving back home I see my father pass me buy with his car. When I get home I found him coming out of my room and he says to me that I should come down to the living room and that he wants to talk with me. I knew deep inside me that Spiros had told him about me ... I went downstairs and he asks if I have to tell him something in the beginning I say no ... but then I see his eyes and I relent telling him everything about me. After that we went back to the office and tried to contact Spiros but I had no address of his and neither I number which I could reach him. After some searching he calls us as I called his friend and asked him to tell me his number and so. Later that day my father said to me that it's ok with him and that he knew it.... the shock I got from that was far greater than anything in my life. My mother called me next day and told that no matter what I am it's fine with her as long as I find a person in my life which loves and I truly love. Spiros tried to ruin my life because I now realise it was his way to get over his pain, he wanted me to hurt as he hurt. I forgive him now but that time I hated him, funny how life turns about you sometimes isn't it.

            Well that sums it  up for the time being, but it's not over yet since then two years have passed and many things have happened in my life. Sometime I'm going to sit down again and write part II : When the lights starts to wane .....Thanks again for coming in and if you have any questions or if there's any way I can help you please fell free to contact me.

Last updated : 07.01.00                                            

mailto:Theo2178